Investigations

29 Apr 2018 05:00
by: Jasmin for Splintered Paths

Zza stares moodily down at the parchment in front of her. Getting stuck with the paperwork was the very worst. They should treat her as the queen she was and hire some peasant to do this. Maybe a dirty urchin boy. No, a dirty urchin man with muscles as big as his head. And he only wears a loincloth because he can’t find clothes that fit him and maybe there’d be an oil spill of some sort and she’d have to help clean him…mmm soapy baths.

She blinks and begins to write a short entry.

Ironbone and Scales McGee were investigating pies because they are stupid men who are concerned with stupid problems. They meet Harod the gay, who is some sort of Baron. He tells a long boring story about a pie rivalry between Longboot and Mortimer which ended in Longboot’s kitchen being exploded.

Scales discovers dirt when he inspects the bakery that caught fire and Ironbone tries to eat the burnt up pies. They do eventually find that an incendiary device of unknown origin was used. Longboot, of course (they have no imagination), is their first stop. He eventually caves under their tedious prattle and tells them about a talking anus worm who told him to bake pies with maggots or he will die.

As they know nothing of rituals or great magics, they find a local priestess who tells them the eating of these worms is part of a ritual that a glutton demon would use. They then go for a stroll to find a witch in the woods (because that always works out) who has been missing for several days. Hijinks ensue.

Meanwhile, the two female party members, Zza and Phenic, are doing all of the important work in Waterdeep. A horrible man has been slashing and killing ladies of the evening. They visit Large Marge, a most formidable madam, who tells them of the murders of Penrose, Fire, and Peach.

As the attack happened in the Zamor home, this is their first stop. They find bloodstains and an attempt to cover up the slashing of the lovely Tiefling, Jezebet. Some guards bother them but Zza uses her gift of persuasion to send them away.

They go next to the brothel Peach worked at and meet her pimp, the right asshole Brent, who is a fathead and is cursed with a small penis. He tells them Peach was killed outside of her house and that witnesses saw the killer go into the sewer.

Zza (rightfully) argues that they should go into Peach’s house and swap her clothes for theirs as poop is gross and she doesn’t need her clothes anyway as she is dead. Peach’s sister disagrees. Phenic gives the wench money and they leave.

Bravely, Zza enters the sewer of gross while Phenic cowardly turns into a rat. They follow a blood trail and are surprised to find a Poop Dragon in the underbelly. It doesn’t eat them but smells awful. It requests a boon for the not eating which the party members agree to. It also met the cowardly male who murdered Peach and was able to describe him. Also, it gave them a poop necklace that belonged to him.

The women escape the sewer soon after and take long hot baths. Phenic still smells but Zza once again smells of flowers and all that is good.

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